“What y’all thought y’all wasn’t gon’ see me? // I’m the Osirus of this shit” — ODB

“Where it falls apart, though, is in failing to recognize that Pac-Man is not, at core, a game about survival. Instead, it’s all about the points.” — The AV Club Pac-Man 99 review

The first time I played Pac-Man with a brother-in-law much, much younger than me, he said “what’s the goal here.” I said “eat all the dots, eat the fruit, get a lot of points.” “Then what?” “Then you do it all again.” Followed by a very disappointed “Oh.”

Pac-Man has cleverly been changed into a fun survival game in multiplayer mode for broader public consumption (no pun)…


Wilford Brimley actually just passed away on August 1, 2020, and not 10 years ago like you had thought. Sadly, one of his best-known and greatest films, Cocoon, hasn’t been seen by anyone under 35.

In the national headlines memorializing beloved actor and human sheepdog Wilford Brimley, two major career works were unanimously cited: Oatmeal and Cocoon.

Almost all of us can pull up the Quaker Oats advertisements on YouTube, or the Liberty Mutual spots that made “diabeetus” a sidesplitting meme with kids before the internet existed (“It can help you have a better LIFE!!!” he barked in a way that both sounded like a threat and a concern).

But, when it comes to Cocoon, a heart-tugging “old people meet space aliens” movie directed by Ron Howard from 1985, those of us over 35 are assuming quite a bit about its accessibility or lasting cultural footprint. That’s because, to this day, Cocoon isn’t available anywhere, on any…


Marriage seems like the best time of your life when you are in it. You think that all of your mutual married friends will be with you until the end, and that you will enjoy Winesday Wednesday together forever, as he pretends to enjoy discussing IPAs. For very few, that might just be the case. For all others, that is far from true.

You thought that you would marry your boyfriend and you thought that everything would work out how you had always imagined. I don’t blame you though. He’s great. You wanted everything with him, but you were just not right for him.

I wish I could say that I am sorry it didn’t work out for you, but I can’t. I can’t because he is mine now, and I get to binge watch American Crime Story: the People vs. OJ Simpson with him.Sometimes I have issues with jealousy, and I hate that you got all of the expensive and lavish wedding…


Well, we’re doin’ mighty fine, I do suppose,

In our streak of lightnin’ cars and fancy clothes. But just so we’re reminded of the ones who are held back, up front there ought to be a Man In Black

I wear the black in mournin’ for the lives that could have been. Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.

Well, there’s things that never will be right I know, and things need changin’ everywhere you go. …

Chris Ward

Professional writer, ex-Wizard Magazine guy

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