Marriage seems like the best time of your life when you are in it. You think that all of your mutual married friends will be with you until the end, and that you will enjoy Winesday Wednesday together forever, as he pretends to enjoy discussing IPAs. For very few, that might just be the case. For all others, that is far from true.

You thought that you would marry your boyfriend and you thought that everything would work out how you had always imagined. I don’t blame you though. He’s great. You wanted everything with him, but you were just not right for him.

I wish I could say that I am sorry it didn’t work out for you, but I can’t. I can’t because he is mine now, and I get to binge watch American Crime Story: the People vs. OJ Simpson with him.Sometimes I have issues with jealousy, and I hate that you got all of the expensive and lavish wedding stuff with him, like running up debt on a sheet cake with gold flaking, making a cringe-worthy viral dance video down the aisle, and dropping $500 on a DJ who plays Love Shack from a Spotify account. As I sit dumbfounded by David Schwimmer’s range as Robert Kardashian, it kills me. It kills me like the reveal of Malcom Jamal Werner as AC Cowlings. Still, I hate that you got to go to all of the Beds, and Beyonds with him. And make room for his parents to stay the weekend, as they make comments about how dirty the city is and not so subtly lock their doors at intersections. It’s confusing, as when Steven Pasquale appears as Mark Fuhrman and it’s like “What else is he FROM?” but you realize midway through he was in Rescue Me, which you stopped watching midway through Season 3 despite the strong performances.

I find myself getting jealous, like Cuba Gooding Jr. when he saw Nicole with Ronald Goldman. But then I stop. I get to load up the Amazon Firestick. I get to Uber to his studio apartment and wait outside to be let up. And I get to binge watch American Crime Story: the People vs. OJ Simpson with him. And Mr. Robot. And Twin Peaks Season One and the back half of Season Two. And Halt and Catch Fire, which was SEVERELY overlooked. He will get to see me root for Sarah Paulson as Marcia Clark, and find myself in disbelief that John Travolta was ACTUALLY the right choice for Robert Shapiro. I get to be on his couch forever — enjoying Nathan Lane as F. Lee Bailey. Fuck he’s good.